Summer is HERE...maybe not by the calendar, but by the temps! Oh, the joys of swimsuit season. Unlike the perfectly built models you'll see in the magazines and on TV, most of us have our figure flaws that we'd rather not flaunt for all the world to see in some of the barely-there suits that are our choices for summer. For many women, the thought of shopping for a new swimsuit is about as enticing as an IRS audit.
If you've put off getting in shape all year, and vacation time is HERE, the best I can offer for immediate help is:
1. CAMOUFLAGE: ... get a tan! Self tanners and spray tans are the safest & quickest way to get that beautiful bronze look...and most women agree that a bronze glow is the ultimate "do." Or in everyday language...brown fat looks better than white fat!
2. Swimsuit: ... select the right swimsuit and accessories for your body type! There are tons of websites that offer advice based on your body type!
3. SMILE: .... That right! Smile, be happy, be confident. If you go around feeling and acting self-conscious, you'll only make others more aware of your body issues.
And have a sense of humor!!! To that end, I offer the following story....
The Bathing Suit (by an unknown middle age woman)
When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed, and reinforced; not so much sewn, as engineered! They were built to hold back and uplift; and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors, known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror! My boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom & sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap!
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an over sized napkin in a serving ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg, I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit. It was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse type top. It was cheap, comfortable and bulge-friendly, so I bought it! My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water." So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year, and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off blue jeans and a T-shirt!!!
***You better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a bathing suit!
NOTE: Anyone who reads this - who wears a single digit dress size - YOU'VE ARRIVED HERE BY ERROR, I'M SURE; but I hope you got a good chuckle out of it anyway!
Remember, the best way to deal with excess body fat is with proper diet and plenty of exercise! If you'd like help with that, click here and let's get started together! In 90 days, you'll look back and wish you had started TODAY!
